As soon as I returned home from hospital Aunt Gertrude, an Australian relative staying with us for a (long) while, came to the door and asked me “Are you hungry cobber? I’ve just made you chicken soup. It’s also got vegetables in it, peas, carrots, corn, potatoes and pasta; more like a chicken minestrone really. But it’s good for you. I gave some to the dog and he really enjoyed it, so it must be good.”
I really couldn’t face anything to eat. I thanked her and sat gingerly in my easy chair.
From that moment onwards Auntie assumed the role of medic in our household. She’d been a nurse years ago in Australia and therefore she reasoned that she was best placed to take care of me. For the sake of peace the family let her do as she wants within reasons.
Every couple of hours she insisted on taking my blood pressure and temperature. She bought some instruments from the chemist and decided to keep a record of my progress.
“Turn your head to the side cobber,” she said as she put the thermometer in my ear, “let me take your temperature. Do you know, in my day as a nurse we used to put the thermometer somewhere else!”
I turned my head and said nothing.
“I have an old thermometer in my luggage,” she continued, “if you prefer that we use the old fashioned way!”
This amused the family but not me. I glared at her and said nothing.
“Pity …” she exclaimed, “I would have enjoyed using the old fashioned way. More fun!” and she laughed loudly as she left the room.
Minutes later she returned and explained, “that’s why in hospital they make you wear nothing but those gowns open at the back. Easier for doctors and nurses to reach those places they need to reach quickly. One quick pull back and the moon comes out from behind the clouds!” She smiled and winked at me acknowledging my discomfort. The family laughed with her.
“Do you want me to buy you one of those gowns?” she asked teasingly, “It’ll be better than what is on TV these days.”
This teasing continued for a few days. Good natured of course but over time she showed an unsurpassed degree of dedication and professionalism in looking after me. This helped the family no end, and we’re all grateful to dear Aunt Gertrude. She means well really, although her Australian accent can be grating at times.
One day the whole family had to go out shopping leaving me alone with her. I dreaded what she would do. I was getting rather tired of her soups and constant medical checks on my health. She’d take my pulse for a minute and then declare “Yep … dead as usual!” and then she’d laugh loudly.
In order to escape her for a few minutes I went to the bathroom and had a shower. I was standing there, with eyes closed, enjoying the warm water raining over me. It was bliss. A haven away from Aunt Gertrude.
When I opened my eyes she was standing at the door.
“Ah there you are …” she said, “I was worried to death where you’d got to. Couldn’t find you anywhere. I thought you’d collapsed somewhere. Why did you not tell me where you were?”
I can’t imagine how long she’d been standing there looking at me.
I quickly covered my manhood with my hands.
“Too late cobber …” she said, “I’ve already had a very good look!”
She enjoyed my discomfort and added “You know mate, as a nurse for many years in Australia I’ve seen men’s dangling bits many times. Been married three times too. So I’m quite well versed in that department. Never seen yours before though. Quite a sight for sore eyes I must say. The memory of your assets will remain with me for ever!
“Mind you, as a woman, I’ve always thought that men in the nude look quite ridiculous. Not at all elegant!” She smiled broadly and winked at me to indicate that she was only teasing.
“Please leave …” I begged as I reached out with both hands for a nearby chair to steady myself.
“Oops … seen it again …” she announced mischievously, “the frisky little beauty! Cute but ridiculous all the same. Do you want me to help you dry yourself and get dressed?”
She noticed my embarrassment and added in her pronounced Australian accent “Don’t you worry my dear. I won’t tell anyone I saw your funny naughty bits. It will be our little secret!”
Then as she turned to go away she muttered loud enough for me to hear “… our VERY little secret!” And she laughed.
How rude! And how so untrue too!
“The sight I’ve just enjoyed will be imprinted on my mind for ever!” she teased.
But despite her mischief, I know that deep inside Auntie is a very kind hearted woman. Her help at home, and looking after me so well, have been invaluable for me and the family.
She still teases me though. Whenever we’re alone she asks “Do you want me to scrub your back and moon in the bath dear? I could do with another laugh.”
