I must confess I’ve always wanted to be a professional dancer. Just like Fred Astaire or any other dancers you see in the movies and on TV.
The problem is I have big feet. Enormous feet!
When I get on the dance floor there is no room for anyone else because of my big feet. They take over the whole dance area.
And when I dance I tread on other peoples’ feet. If it’s a slow dance with the lights dimmed right down people trip on my feet and fall all over the place. I’ve had to put little flashing yellow lights on my shoes and a bleeping sound so that people can see my feet in the dark.
People say that the lights add to the atmosphere on the dance floor but the bleeping sound interferes with the music.
Someone suggested I take up line dancing. In line dancing people stand next to each other and mostly move sideways; so there’s no danger of stepping on anyone’s toes.
I tried line dancing. My big feet moved so slowly sideways that other dancers tripped over them as they moved left or right.
I tried ballet dancing. When I stood on tip-toe my head hit the ceiling and brought down a few tiles.
At a wedding once I danced the Hokey Cokey (Hokey Pokey). You know the one?
You put your left leg in, your left leg out,
In out in out, you shake it all about,
You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around
That’s what it’s all about.
It was quite a sight seeing everyone else fall all over the floor whenever I stuck my feet out. At one point my big foot came out so suddenly it hit Aunt Matilda in the face sending her spectacles flying in the air. Everyone stopped to search for her glasses and I inadvertently kicked a few of them to the floor as I continued dancing not realizing what had happened.
The birdie song wasn’t a success either … nor was the conga line dance when they all follow each other across the floor.
So regrettably, Fred Astaire and all other famous dancers will get no competition from me. I’ll just sit on the side lines tapping my feet to the music … and watch everyone else bounce about as I shake the floor boards with my big feet.
